Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
About Deviant Member Jesse-Bear27/Male/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 8 Years
Needs Premium Membership
Statistics 104 Deviations 848 Comments 6,161 Pageviews

Newest Deviations

Random Favourites


MozartsNemesis's Profile Picture
United States
Current Residence: Amarillo, Texas
Favourite genre of music: Country or Rock, some metal
Favourite photographer: Larry W. Stone
Favourite cartoon character: Bryan from Family Guy
Personal Quote: The only thing in this world that you can count on from people is that they will let you down.

If you would like to listen to a sample of poems read by the author (Me!) There's is a here.
Taken from the wonderful Nullibicity

I wanted to try an experiment--a project. It's purpose isn't to depress or trigger--rather a reminder that you're never alone in this world. 

Maybe it's a stupid idea, but I feel that if we spread our stories, people will realize that our thoughts and feelings aren't so different after all. It will be known that we are all capable of change, and growth, and recovery, and that the bad things and traumas in our life do not define who we are capable of becoming. To raise the dA love, and the awareness that we can (and will! Huggle!) be each other's support nets, if needed. So! If you'd like to participate, I want to thank you for being one courageous human being. (Maybe letting me link your stories here, if you want to join me, will help create a complete world of pain, healing, and recovery, casting away the isolation that people feel. I can't change the world completely, but I can change it one handprint at a time. Even if I'm the only one participating in this project I've made, I hope that it could offer hope and inspiration to at least one of you!)

Really quick, a quick, encouraging note: You are you--completely and 100% one-of-a-kind, and loved for it. I don't really know if I should, in fact, be doing this, but I've heard so many stories detailing loneliness and isolation, and recently I've been seeing journals that just break my heart. you're never alone. Never. If you feel that way, please note me. I would love to introduce myself anew and get to know you for the beautiful person you are.(:

For all of you experiencing the hopeless pit of depression, or the tornado of anxiety... I wish I could hold all of your hearts up. I wish I could take these two hands, and join them to yours... I wish I could show you how worthwhile you are--how bright your future should and could be... because I know what you're going through.  
In the effort to give you any scrap of courage I can, I want to share my story with you. If it inspires you to share yours as well (even if it's only with a friend), that is the most fantastic thing I could have hoped for.

    After I read her journal, and a couple of others, I decided, against my better judgement to participate in this. It is hard for me to write this as I tend to keep people at arms length. The reason being, I feel that if no one is able to get close, then no one can hurt you. I've learned that sometimes, this isn't the way to live. So here goes:

    I was raised in a deeply religious home. My mom (who is my hero, and number one fan) led Bible studies and Ladies Prayer meetings, my Dad was and elder and played in the Worship Band. The first real house we lived in was in rural Virginia. I fell in love with the forest, and spent days at a time in nature. It was so peaceful, so serene. As a kid, I was intelligent, always placed in advanced classes, always doing extra credit, always placing in the schools spelling or geography bees. Because of this, a lot of the kids picked on me or degraded me, and I learned that by under-achieving, I could fit in more easily. I was shy and awkward and sensitive, and really, the teasing and bullying didn't lessen. When I was 12, my dad started disappearing for days on end. When he was home, he and my mom were fighting all the time. I remember laying awake in bed at night listening to them scream at each other. I thought for sure they were going to get divorced, and that somehow me and my siblings were the cause of it. Later that same year my dad went to prison. We wouldn't live together for 6 years after. During that time, Mom worked long hours at the school where she teaches, and we were left to mostly our own devices. Dinner was whatever we could find in the freezer. I found out my dad was convicted of breaking and entering, grand larceny and possession of a controlled substance with intent to distribute. When he got out of jail, he was placed in a group home, and was court-mandated to attend AA and NA(Narcotics Anonymous) meetings. During this time I grew more and more withdrawn and was prone to bouts of rage and violence, which really stemmed from me not being able to understand how a loving father, a Christian no less, could steal from and abandon his family just so he could get a fix. I lost faith in humanity and in the church. I questioned how a kind and loving God could allow such things to happen. My grades suffered because I stopped trying. I started smoking cigarettes to deal with the stress I put myself under. I got in fights, a lot of fights, and I broke my hand in three places during one of them. I got suspended from school for theft, and again for beating a kid with his own tuba. I figured if it was okay for my dad, it was okay for me. Kids found out my dad was in jail and they said all sorts of horrible things about him and I, both. This only led to more fights. I started believing the only way to deal with things was with my fists. My temper grew uncontrollable. I got in arguments with my mom who was only doing her best, and I spent several nights outside. Once I slept in a tree, because my own stubborn pride prevented me from going back. We moved into a low-rent house in a bad neighborhood and I fell in with some unsavory people. I grew depressed and sullen and began cutting. I gauged my ears to 00's because the pain helped me know I was still alive, and the physical pain of both gauging and cutting helped to dampen the pain I felt inside. Those were dark days, and a large portion of it I've blocked out over the years. My senior year of high school, my dad moved back in with us. I resented him, and I resented my mom for allowing him to come back. I was so full of rage and pain and hate that I began contemplating taking my own life. I tried once. I had a butcher's knife to my wrist and started to cut, when my dad came in. He knocked the knife aside and body slammed me into the floor. We were at each others throat constantly. He demanded respect I didn't have, and I just wanted him out of my life. We fought physically just once. I pushed him over the stairs and he threw me into several walls. I graduated high school with a 2.8 gpa, because I only coasted through. I remember being angry that he came to my graduation..I felt like he had no right to do so, since he hadn't helped get me there. After I graduated, I started drinking, and it was a slippery slope. 
    At 19, I moved out into my own place with a friend, and a girl I was dating at the time. My grandmother was diagnosed with CoPD and started carrying an oxygen tank around. I started drinking heavily then. I drank twenty to thirty beers a night, and smoked large quantities of marijuana, to try and numb the pain of existence. I invited me friends to party at my house, and with more people came more drugs. I switched from beer to whiskey, from pot to pain pills and cocaine and ecstasy. I lost my job because I couldn't stay sober long enough to work. My girlfriend left, for which I do not blame her. I was a horrible person and impossible to live with. I moved back in with my parents early the next year, and began dating a girl I met on the internet. A month past my 21'st birthday, I moved to Arizona to live with her. 
    I thought that the new place and new friends would help me forget the pain I carried. I was wrong. She was a lovely woman, one I thought I would be with for years to come. We rented a house and moved in together. I was working then, and doing odd jobs in my free time with her step-father, a man I greatly respect and admire. He always tried to help me, both in life and in my relationship with his daughter, and I learned a lot from him. I still couldn't stop drinking, and many nights I was too drunk to even go to bed with her. We began to fight, mostly over my behavior. She became jealous and paranoid and I did nothing to soothe her fears. In February of 2010, my dad had a heart attack. He was in the hospital, in ICU and my mom called and told me I needed to come home. I thought he was going to die. All of a sudden, all the pain and hate I had harbored for so long no longer seemed to matter. I was so afraid that he would die and that I would never to be able to tell him I forgave him, or ask his forgiveness for my own selfish behavior. I went home that night, amidst the worst snowstorm in Virginia history. He survived, though it was close for a while, and after I spoke with him, two weeks later I flew back out to Arizona.      My grandmother died in April of 2011, and I flew back home for her funeral, filled with profound sadness. My brother had lost 80 pounds, which I later learned was due to a crack cocaine addiction.  I lost my job in July of 2011 and we broke up in September of that year. I traded in a diamond for a handful of glitter, and it's my single biggest regret to date. I broke her heart and mine, and it was hard to wake up some days. I moved back to Virginia, full of pain and anger, and I picked up where I left off before. I drank myself into a stupor almost every night, and it's a wonder I'm still alive. For almost a year and a half I was drunk, every day. I stole from people, from stores, from my friends so that I could drink. I began to take pain pills in large numbers so I could be numb. I lost friends and teeth and sometimes my mind because of how drunk I would get. I picked fights with people I called friends. I walked home drunk more often than not, and sometimes I didn't make it. I'd fall asleep in ditches or down some lonely country road. Sometimes I'd write poetry, on those rare occasions I was sober. 
    In December of 2012, I decided I had to quit drinking. I was banned from the New Year's Eve party all my friends went to, because of how I acted when I was drunk. That was the beginning of the end. I went home, had one drink with my brother, and went to bed. I woke up on January 1st, 2013, and decided I wasn't going to drink anymore. I began to write more and more, bleeding my pain out onto paper, rather than burying it in whiskey. I quit doing hard drugs and only smoked weed on occasion. I worked a handful of jobs, from flipping burgers to driving a tow truck. In March of that year, I got on a greyhound bus and ended up homeless in Branson, Missouri. In April, I had a friend come pick me up and I began work, editing her novel for publication. That was a very rewarding time. I had no access to booze or drugs of any kind, and my head became clearer than it had been in a long time. I wrote a lot, and when the editing was finished, I called a friend up I've known for 11 years and moved to Amarillo, Texas in June of 2013. I've stayed pretty much sober since the beginning of 2013, though I will have a drink or two on occasion. The alcohol no longer controls me, I control it. The people I live with now are amazing. They love me, and I them. I trust them, which is a rare thing for me. They helped me to understand that even when shit goes bad, even when we fight and say horrible things to each the end of the day, we are family. And if we don't have each other's back..who will? I've finally beaten my desire to run when things go bad, though it still nags at me from time to time. Mom and Dad have been married for 30 years, I flew back home for their anniversary celebration, and it was wonderful. Dad continues to struggle with health issues, but he's as stubborn as I am.   I have two tattoos, one on each hand between my thumb and index finger. One says "All men die" the other says "Truly Live". These are a reminder to me daily that everyone has dreams they can follow or squander. We can do what we want with the days we've been given. I'm spending mine on the business of living. 
Please know...You are never alone. 

AdCast - Ads from the Community




Add a Comment:
xxdraxx Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2014  Student Artist

Just wanted to thank you for the fave!

Also, since I'm currently focusing on music, I was wondering if you'd be interested in supporting me in that endeavor of mine?

If you are, I can link you to where you can find that stuff!
hypermagical Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2014
A belated thank-you for the fave! :ahoy:  Long time, no talk. O:
Aerode Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
We're sad to see you go. :(

Are there any suggestions you have so we can improve your experience?
Aerode Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hello! :wave:

Here's a friendly reminder that you have 2 days to submit your entry for our Tourney.

Best of luck, and thank you! :D
Aerode Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hello! :wave:

Here's a friendly reminder that you have 4 days to submit your entry for our Tourney.

Best of luck, and thank you! :D
Malintra-Shadowmoon Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks a lot for your visit :)
xKrittterz Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
ssensory Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you kindly for adding seabird to your favorites! :heart:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2013
Thank you for faving my story! And leaving an awesome comment. :XD:
Aerode Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Congratulations, you've been nominated for 1 category for our awards. Find out more here: [link].
Add a Comment: